Growing up, my dad would have early breakfast with us before disappearing into the workforce. He would reappear after 6 pm, clearly emaciated. The highlight reel of my childhood memories: throwing the ball around the backyard, some truly wonderful family dinners, and the time he watched me lose a tennis match and pronounced his verdict – “You’re no good at all.” Ouch.
The father faces an eternal tug of war between time and money. And I’ll make a controversial claim: Dad is actually guilty. much worse More than mother guilt. Stay-at-home moms don’t wake up wondering if their kids are being neglected, because they are right there, not ignoring them.
However, working mothers carry a heavy burden of guilt, given that nothing in the human experience truly matches making a life. But I am a father, so I will just write from my perspective.
Before we go any further, let’s find out what kind of father you are. Because this post is not equally for everyone.
Type 1: The father who has to work
You know who you are. Mortgage is not optional. Children’s school is not free. You’re on a plane again, not because you like airport food, but because someone has to finance the entire operation. You miss sleepovers and school plays and feel really bad about it.
This section is for you, and the news is good.
Type 2: The Dad Who Wants Everyone to Know How Amazing He Is
You also know who you are. You’ve just come back from a “big project” two months away, while your wife or partner kept house, attended every football game, handled every fever at 2 a.m., and quietly kept everything together. You came home with an airport luggage full of chocolates and some very strong opinions about your sacrifice.
Or maybe it wasn’t a job at all. Maybe you’re spending a month in a foreign location and posting about it after the trip was booked. Or spend the weekend driving exotic cars with your celebrity podcast friends.
Whenever there’s a school event, or really any room with other adults, you arrive with a fresh highlight reel to go. race. Trips. Deals. Benefits of a large portfolio. Nobody asked, but here we are ten minutes in and you’re still talking about how great your life is while your kids become more distant.
Your LinkedIn says “Founder,” or “Senior VP,” or “Managing Director,” or, most amusingly, “Fire Dad.” Your dinner party conversation is a greatest hits album of personal achievement, not the uncomfortable email in your inbox from your son’s teacher about his poor behavior in class.
This section is for you too.
Fathers are taking care of children twice as much as their fathers
Now let’s look at some charts that show how today’s fathers actually compare to previous generations. data comes from a Article by Aziz Sundarji and Derek ThompsonTwo fathers who did research. It’s always good to see more dads supporting fathers, because there is a lack of support compared to what I see for moms.
There are wives or partners rolling their eyes because their husbands are clearly still not doing enough, at least progress is being made.
Here’s something really encouraging, mostly for Type 1s: Today’s fathers are doing twice as much child care work as previous generations. Where is this time coming from? Less TV, less books, and real miracles – 82 minutes less of actual office work per day.
COVID delivered a gift that keeps on giving: the work-from-home era, where “working from home” is a phrase used with tremendous creative freedom. For three years I played afternoon pickleball with fully employed adults who were, technically, on time.
The chart shows another 38 minutes of working from home, bringing the daily non-working gap to a suspicious 44 minutes. That time seems to be going towards children.
Dad is also doing 29 minutes more household work per day. slow clap.
For Type 2, this data is less attractive. Because if the average working dad is carving out 44 extra minutes for his kids while, you know, actually being at home, then “disrupting the supply chain” in Vietnam for two months is a choice, not a requirement. Adopt it or change it, but don’t put it on Instagram.
Dads actually enjoy taking care of kids more than watching TV
Fathers rank child care Above Television and walking on the pleasure scale. Of course they do.
Seeing your baby turn over for the first time. Leave the bike seat and just watch them. These aren’t things you’d trade for a Netflix queue or a networking dinner. Introducing a child to something new and watching them click is more satisfying than any promotion or bonus. But here’s the problem: You have to actually be there to feel it.
Type 1 fathers get this naturally, even when work doesn’t allow them to act on it.
Type 2 fathers have heard of this phenomenon in theory. Some people have even mentioned it in the toast at their friend’s wedding. However, the real experience requires presence – the physical, unnatural, repetitive, overly generic kind that doesn’t make for a great story in Davos.
Great advice to mothers for the difficult care of children
This chart spoke to me because it is accurate. Moms are still managing doctor’s appointments, homework battles, the invisible systems that hold a childhood together. After age two, I started to dislike taking my kids to the doctor’s office, so I stopped going in.
In order not to feel like an absent father, my personal contribution to pediatric health care is concierge transportation. I drive up, I get off, I find parking, I wait outside for hours like a very attentive driver, sometimes with a snack. Is it the same as being in the room? No, but it helps ease my guilt.
Dad has quietly mastered it fun Three hours in the pool or tennis court is much easier to keep a restless child busy than spending two hours in a waiting room. This is the real labor, and mothers are still bearing the majority of it. This was my biggest mistake during my eight years at home. The time spent is not uniform.
Type 1 Dad: This is an area for improvement. Block calendar. Have a homework session. Sit in the waiting room. It’s not pickleball, it’s work.
Type 2 Dad: Your wife/partner has been doing all of this, and your part, for months. Airport chocolates were a nice idea, but apparently not that good.
Dad guilty, dismissed (for those who earned the dismissal)
If you are truly struggling to support your family, the guilt you feel is real but the judgment is unworthy. You are doing what is necessary to provide and the data shows that you are doing it more than your father. Keep your head up. Being a financial provider and taking care of more children is a double win!
If you’re working more than necessary, and you’re missing out on your children’s lives, not because you have to, but because it promotes something else – status, prestige, identity, a sense of being important somewhere – then guilt isn’t a problem. This is a specialty. This is correct information. listen to it.
Time spent with your children is not a renewable resource. Work on their passion before they wake up, after they sleep, while they’re at school. The hours in between are not yours to monetize.
And if your wife or partner is telling you that you’re not doing enough, before you forward the data to them to win the argument, ask yourself what kind of father you really are. Protects data type 1. It does not cover Type 2.
Okay, Type 1 dads. Expand your chest and lift your head high. you’ve earned it. Give yourself a trophy including a cookie.
Type 2 – Door is open. Come in. Your children are still here.
Dear Fathers, are you proud to see data that shows you are caring for more children than previous generations? Or do you still feel pressure to help out financially and be more present at home? How has your wife or partner helped reduce that pressure?
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