Since 2009, I’ve been writing about all the ups, downs, good and bad of my financial freedom journey. I can unequivocally say that who you partner with in life is one of the most important factors in achieving financial freedom. Get this right, and everything else will be easy. Get it wrong, and no amount of net worth will save you.
I met my wife at the College of William and Mary when neither of us had any money. We have been together through everything as a couple, always supporting each other.
In 2008, during the depth of the global financial crisis, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I quit my job in 2012 and he quit his job in 2015, and for a brief golden period, we were free together. It was amazing.
Then in 2017, we were gifted with both immense joy and profound hardship with the arrival of our son. Suddenly, the energy we once poured into each other was almost entirely redirected toward keeping a tiny human being alive. The freedom that we had built so carefully together was lost overnight.
We slowly came up for air, and then had our daughter in 2019. A beautiful bundle of joy, arriving just in time for COVID to make full-time parenting even more difficult. We hired an au pair who was awesome. And then she moved on with her life, like people do.
Divorce after kids is an understandable, heartbreaking reality
Before becoming a father, I always found it strange that parents would divorce when their children were still young. Given how much time it takes to plan, conceive, and give birth to a child, you would think that continuing until age 18 would be the default path.
But now, nine years into parenting two children, I completely understand why couples drift apart after having kids. The amount of energy and time required to raise them is staggering.
And inevitably, both parents begin to feel underappreciated, neglected, and invisible, not necessarily because their partner has stopped caring, but because every last drop of care is expended toward the children. After years of feeling ignored, breaking away and finding happiness elsewhere starts to feel less like giving up and more like survival.
I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since both kids were born, treating it as my primary job for the first five years of their lives, with Financial Samurai, podcasting, and writing books as side jobs.
This means long days. I would often wake up before 5 a.m. to write and respond to readers, and then spend the rest of the day with the kids while they read at home. Then once they started school, it included drop-off, pickup, Daddy Day Camp on the weekends, homework, dinner, bath time, and bedtime. Repeat.
I love being a dad because I appreciate feeling useful. Fun conversations in the car are enjoyable. Walking them hand-in-hand to the school lobby and hugging and kissing them every morning is still my favorite part of any day. I wouldn’t trade it.
But I need to be honest about something I’ve hinted about for years. I have been feeling unappreciated for a long time and this feeling is only increasing. Unfortunately, the gift of freedom can also be taken for granted.
Interestingly, I have started taking inspiration from working dads who work 50 to 60 hours a week in an office, come home exhausted and travel constantly, and leave their partners to handle everything. If they can get by happily, then perhaps I should change my ways.
just wanna be a regular dad sometimes
Of the ten fathers I surveyed about how many days they traveled for work last year, the average was 40 days. As a result, I made it one of my New Year’s resolutions to travel alone for at least 20 days this year, considering that I am also the financial provider.
I have been away from my family for exactly eleven days since 2017, and that was only to visit my parents during Covid and to come back for my father’s surprise 80th birthday, which was priceless. So I think it seems more than reasonable to travel for half the number of days that the typical father in my peer group travels.
I’m a little jealous of the dads who work there. The guy who flies to New York for a conference, orders a bone-in ribeye at Peter Luger with his corporate card, drinks too many glasses of Camus, parties until 1 a.m., and sleeps in a quiet hotel room until 8 a.m. and no one wants anything from him.
The guy who comes home four days later and walks through the door with a bag from the airport gift shop is treated like a returning hero. It doesn’t make any difference to their wives and partners. And I’m impressed that they don’t.
The irony is that the more visible you constantly become, the more invisible you become. For my wife, my being there almost every day is just the baseline. It is Tuesday. Of course he is here. Why would I thank someone for Tuesday?
I struggle with being a mother too
He also has his frustrations, which are completely justified.
She manages the household schedule, the logistics of child care, the kids’ laundry, the planning, the scheduling, and she doesn’t feel like I’m watching it all. Lately, she’s been taking online classes to become a preschool teacher, and has actually been working as a substitute for a few weeks at $24/hour.
He is right. I don’t see or consistently recognize all that she does and I need to do a better job.
We both are tired. We’re both doing our best and it feels like it’s not enough. But no one really cares because we chose to be parents and we deal with it as we should.
When two tired people who love each other stop seeing each other, the distance gradually increases. And then one day it feels insurmountable.
And so, we took a decision.
It’s time we parted ways
We both turned to AI as a neutral sounding board to help sort things out. And after many long conversations, with each other and with our robot therapist, we came to the same conclusion.
Now the time had come to separate.
My wife is taking the kids to visit her parents in Virginia and West Virginia. Our children have not seen them for several years, and they are not well enough to fly to visit us in San Francisco, despite offering to pay for their travel.
I briefly considered stopping in Williamsburg to show the kids our old college stomping grounds. It would be fun to recreate those photos from when we were broke 22-year-olds and had no idea what was going to happen. In view of the paucity of time, this suggestion was not accepted enthusiastically. Her mother’s Virginia suburb and her father’s cabin in the woods.
And me? Left alone in San Francisco with no wife, no kids, and no agenda, I decided to move to a place where I was loved unconditionally and rarely judged for anything.
I booked a flight to Honolulu to meet my parents.
I briefly considered being adventurous about it and going 11 or 12 days backpacking through Vietnam and Thailand, going full-on digital nomad, finding myself on a beach in Southeast Asia. I’ve been dreaming of this goal for over a decade.
However, I looked into flight logistics then got lazy. I decided that spending time with my parents was a responsible choice. I also have a long list of questions I want to ask him while I still can. There are also some household items that need repair.
So I’ll be there with my resources, take them to dinner, and try to remember what it feels like to be someone’s kid instead of someone’s everything.
Okay okay, you got me. Happy April 1st!
We are not divorcing. At least not yet. But I want you to hold on to how easily you believe it, because that uneasiness is the whole point. Having children will test your relationship to the max. It is important to organize your finances in advance.
The feelings are real, though. Burnout is inevitable, while the appreciation gap may increase. The loneliness of being a parent is always visible and yet feels invisible. If you nodded along with any of these, you’re not alone, and you’re not a bad partner. You’re just a tired person who needs a break.
Here’s what no one puts in the FIRE spreadsheet: You can optimize your safe withdrawal rate down to the decimal point and still ignore your marriage. You can retire early, be at home every day, and somehow still feel like a ghost in your home. The hardest math of personal finance may have nothing to do with money.
Talk to your partner today and recognize his/her efforts. Laugh at something silly. Go on a date and order the ribeye and celebrate with more than one glass of wine. Remember who you both were before kids, mortgages, portfolios, and pressure buried that person under a mountain of Tuesdays.
My wife and I should be fine. Plus, our youngest only has 12 more years to leave the nest. But in the meantime, if anyone wants to take me out for a steak dinner in Honolulu or paint their cheeks with me at the beach, just leave a note.
I’ll be staying with my parents in Honolulu from April 2 to April 10, when I’ll be home just in time to pick up my wife and kids on April 11. Because that’s what fathers do.
Readers, why do you think so many parents get divorced after having children? And what’s one thing that’s really helped you and your partner feel more appreciated when you’re both tired and running on empty?
Related Posts:
Financial dependency is the worst: Why it’s important to have separate bank accounts
How to prevent divorce from ruining your retirement
Divorce After Kids: Try Building Birds’ Nests for More Stability
The cost of raising multiple children isn’t just money
Tips for parents
If you have debt and children, consider term life insurance. For a long time my wife and I had inconsistent policies that made no sense given our situation. Matching of 20 year term policies after lock down policy talentWe finally felt comfortable knowing that our children would be taken care of no matter what.
With the stock market declining, it’s more important than ever to review your finances with a professional. is here My experience having my portfolio reviewed by an Empower professional To help protect it from recession. Participate through my link and I’ll send you a signed copy of my USA TODAY bestseller, millionaire milestones. Instructions are in the linked post.